You start by getting very vague instructions by a family member on how you mail a package to someone. Something about how you need a form but their being sorta confusing on which one you need. Then you wait in line and you have to ask for tape to close it but they’ll probably want it a certain way and also they have different ways to ship something.
So, I’ve just walked into the post office ready to mail this package but then I see the 10 different forms that are sitting there that I have to fill out, and I don’t know which one is exactly what I need. And of course, that line always seems so long, so I’m waiting, watching everyone else look like they know what their doing and I’m checking what everyone else’s forms look like. Then I get up the front desk and of course I didn’t do something right. Maybe I didn’t fill something out right or it was the wrong form or I didn’t tape it the right way and then their annoyed at me and everyone else is staring at me and annoyed that I’m taking so long and before you know it, I’m sweating and my pulse is racing and I feel stupid for not knowing how to mail a simple box.
So really? Since when did I become so afraid?
As you can tell from either the title or some previous posts, I am someone that struggles with anxiety and depression. As a result of this duo there are many simple or not so simple tasks that I struggle with. Of course, this anxiety can probably be something that I have created out of fear by society as a defense mechanism. Which can be a good thing at times as it heightens my awareness, increases my empathy towards others, and makes me more of a careful person. I have even heard people referring to anxiety as a super power. However, the real problem here is that there are errands that I am terrified to run and places that I struggle to walk into because I am on my guard and constantly making sure that I don’t do anything to draw attention to myself. I’m always planning out how to get in and get out with as little stress as possible. As a person with anxiety and low self-esteem when something goes a little wrong or someone is rude to me in a store, it shatters my day. Because I think over and over how could I have done that differently, what did I possibly do to make that person annoyed with me and how can I avoid it in the future. Now for anyone that does not have anxiety this will sound really, really stupid and may seem as though it’s an overreaction to simple situations. But when you have anxiety your always looking to stay under that radar, we are not comfortable with any mistakes being put on display.
You know…sometimes I wonder if it’s really anxiety? Or is it possibly the fast paced, abrasive lifestyle everyone else has adjusted to. Maybe it’s the fact that I expect rudeness and for someone to roll their eyes at me for not knowing how to do something instead of helping. I think people with anxiety are people that have been hurt or ridiculed too many times and now look for ways to avoid it. Sometimes I truly wonder, do we have anxiety or is the world just mean?