About four years ago…
As I sat there sipping my coffee, playing on my phone , glancing out the window , the question popped in my head. The same question that has intruded on my life and destroyed any possible sense of calmness or peace throughout my mind and body.
What am I supposed to be doing with my life?
Does everyone get this horrible sensation when your literally trying to find a sense of peace? I don’t have a job, I’m a recent grad, and I feel worthless.
Even the day when my mom had some construction guys come over to paint the kitchen and do some flooring. I had come downstairs and made some coffee. As I held my cup and stood in my sweats, I had realized they had already been here an hour (It was 6:30 in the morning). One of them actually called me a sleepy head. And then remarked “enjoy it while it lasts you won’t be able to sleep in forever!”
I suddenly felt sad. I hadn’t even finished the cup of coffee before I felt utterly depressed, yet again. But why? Why did it not feel okay not to be working only two months after I graduated? Or that I am finding my niche or something that makes me happy. I had gone for journalism, but after college I realized that I wanted to completely abandon the idea of writing or being some type of truth seeker. I had dreams to uncover the truth of wrongdoers and bring about justice. A little dramatic, but this truly was what I wanted to be when I “grew up” I wanted to be someone that could help change the world for the better. But after falling into a deep depression in college, I felt lucky to even want to be alive most days.
I remembered the very day I graduated, I felt very little accomplishment. Like I didn’t even deserve to walk up and get my diploma. I just felt empty. A feeling I thought that overtime would get better when I came home to regroup and get some peace but unfortunately things only got worse. I remember that same night, this rush of panic came over me and I began scouring the internet and job finding apps to find a career. I felt like instead of feeling satisfied or at peace, I just felt panic stricken.
Why was it never okay to find a way to be better than okay? To take some time and just think about what will make you happy. For about four years this stress enveloped me and I had bounced around from different jobs, all of which left me even more miserable. I was forgetting to just breathe. I kept seeing people on social media getting jobs and looking happy and strangers had began asking about what I’m going to do now.
Side note, I even had the mailman comment on me just being at my house “Oh? You’re still here? I thought you would’ve moved out by now. It would definitely be a shame going for all that schooling and not being able to find something,” Yes…this conversation actually happened. So I’m not kidding when I tell you, that it felt like at every turn, I had someone making me feel like a disappointment. And I remind you, it had basically been weeks since I graduated. I had moved three hours away for college, lost many friends, and fell into a severe depression on my journey to a better future.
All I wanted was to feel like it was okay to have time. Time to find myself again, time to find happiness again, time to become strong again. Unfortunately this time would not come for years. And it was basically because I ended up getting out of the situation and saying no to people that I was able to rediscover myself again. I have just recently developed the mindset that I don’t have to be what everyone else wants. I don’t have to let every single person make me feel bad. I don’t have to let everyone criticize me for something they know nothing about. I know my journey, I know where I’ve been, I know what I want in my life. All I ever needed was to just stop listening to everyone else’s opinions and follow my own path for a change.