The Give Up.
Sometimes the biggest fight you will ever have to face is the one inside yourself. And that sometime in life you will reach a crossroads where you will want to either fight or give up. Well a few months ago I came to this exact moment and I chose to give up. I had failed. I couldn’t find work, nothing made me happy, I felt like college had been a waste since it was the start of my depression and at this point I wanted to fail and I wanted to stay inside of that failure. Not speaking to anyone, not going anywhere (physically or emotionally) I wanted to just be swept away. I didn’t have the nerve to go through with suicide so I was just existing, but even that seems like too strong a word. I was a ghost. There was no fight left in me.
After two years of severe anxiety and depression, in and out of hospitals with panic attacks and feeling rejected from any job I didn’t even want, I felt utterly and completely done. Life had ripped me apart and spat out a person that was barely there. My mind felt blank, I didn’t want to move, I had no friends and I was moved into my Mom’s house after college and I barely spoke to my Sister or Dad so it was very easy to lie and sound like everything was fine. But, I knew everything in my life was far from fine. I was out of work, not eating well, not sleeping well, and absolutely miserable.
Now, I know what your thinking for those of you that have not struggled with depression or anxiety, “Just get up, stop feeling this way, go get happy,” but let me ask you something, how? It wasn’t that everything made me miserable, it was that nothing made me feel anything. I was so distraught on how to make a living without being miserable that I viewed even the things I once enjoyed as just a way to make some sort of an income which meant they were no longer viewed as stress relievers or just things that made me feel happy. I felt desperate and willing to cling to anything I was remotely good at as a way to forge an income.