This is a very honest, slightly emotional post, and a bit of a rant here. But, sometimes you just have to express how you feel somewhere. I am also a little nervous to share this because this below is sometimes what anxiety and depression can do and because it’s the most honest thing I have posted so far.
So, since I have been trying to be as open and honest about myself on my blog as I can, there’s something I would like to share with you. I am sure some people will think this comes across as whining, but after a while even repeated minor bullying can take it’s toll.
You know the expressions. “Get tougher” “You need thicker skin” “Don’t be so sensitive”. I have heard these things throughout my life. And, not that that’s bad advice, its just so much easier said then done, especially for someone with anxiety, depression, and someone who’s a bit of a recluse. I recently had a talk with my mom about how I was feeling. I do a favor for someone then they don’t get back to me when I need a favor, family members that won’t get back to me when I text them, but am expected to be available for them because I am the older sibling, strangers assuming I’ll do uncomfortable tasks for them, or ridiculous teasing and bullying from friends and family. Sometimes I love just being alone.
I don’t like to leave my apartment, I really don’t love being around lots of people, or family gatherings because, and I’ll just look like a total wuss here, but its because I usually end up with my feelings hurt. Now look, I get it. People can say things without realizing they hurt you or maybe their just having a bad day, all of that I can get on board with. But, when do we accept that people can just be jerks. That I cannot accept. Because today, my hike was cut incredibly short because of it. When did it become okay to just hurt someone to hurt someone?
I had been looking forward to going hiking for a while and I actually tried to last weekend but long story short there was no parking left. So, of course pretty upset that I had drove out there, brought my camera, got excited to get out but still be alone, I was of course bummed. So, today I decided to try again. I brought my camera, had been looking forward to getting out in nature, I was beaming. However, it was still very crowded and there were lots of other people hiking but I took a few photos and was enjoying this time. But a group of people were grilling and hanging out in the wooded part of the park that I had to cross. I was trying to figure out how to get back onto the wooded path when a group of young adults in a car began barking and growling at me as I passed by. Of course being startled, they all laughed at me. They even screamed a few racist remarks towards me and I inwardly broke inside.
I basically hightailed it back to my car and cried. Yes, cried.
Sometimes people with anxiety are doing something brave. Something you don’t even know about. Sometimes were doing something that you cannot even began to imagine how difficult it is for us. I think had this particular event happened another day, another month, I would have kept moving through my hike. But, I honestly just felt broken. Sometimes you are tired of growing thicker skin, you’re tired of having to be tough, sometimes you wonder why you even have to be. Why can’t people just be kind instead of other people developing anxiety and depression over these bad moments that keep repeating themselves. Sometimes the world just seems backwards. Sometimes you have absolutely no idea what someone is going through.
A few years ago I suffered a mental breakdown, I didn’t sleep or eat for about three or four days. I was in and out of the hospital for panic attacks, I was collapsing to the ground, and I was put on several different medications for anxiety and depression. I am still fighting my way back from an abusive ex-boyfriend, a mental breakdown, highly critical parents, and essentially myself. I am on a journey you know nothing about. You see it as “I never texted them back, oh well, no big deal,” they see it as “I am not even important enough for a response” you break a person especially someone with low-self esteem like myself. I will spend hours wondering if I did something to upset them or wonder why I wasn’t important enough to respond to. Yes, anxiety played a huge part in my little breakdown today but sometimes people can be cruel for no other reason then wrong place, wrong time. I have retreated back into my little world and I’ll wait for the courage to try something new again.