My Dad last week.
“When you were a little girl, you were so dainty and frail and sensitive, I thought the world was going to eat you alive and in a way I was right.”
Yeah, we’re not close as you can imagine but that’s another day and another blog post.
When there isn’t enough going on in the now it makes the past easier to stick with you.
I’ll admit it. I’ve become a recluse. I have no friends. Just acquaintances. I work or I’m trying to work as a content writer and blogger. I have these weeks where I don’t want to get of bed, shower, exercise, or eat well. And I know what people would say. “Get out more,” but for someone with generalized anxiety disorder, you cannot imagine how difficult that is.
Bravery is not just facing your fears, but doing things for yourself that you don’t want to do. Like letting go of the past, sticking up for yourself, and taking care of your mental health. Being brave for just myself seems almost harder then being brave for a friend. I guess it’s because you’re not really the one taking the risk or under pressure.
Ever since a fainting incident about two years ago, you can’t imagine the amount of fears and shall we say “quirks” I’ve accumulated.
Excessive hand washing, basically running around the grocery store because I feel watched, panic attacks, any food that could possibly give me an allergic reaction even though I have none, insecurity in the bedroom, I can’t touch my phone then my food(phones can be kinda dirty), I won’t exercise without eating before hand, and I could go on.
Being brave for me, being strong for me is not easy. These past two weeks I can’t remember the last time I put on makeup, taken care of myself, or really wanted much of anything. And if I were truly honest with myself I just think what’s the point. I’m ugly, fat, depressed, lonely, unemployed. I’ve talked myself out of taking a shower before I can get a foot in.
The past and I suppose the present is eating me up. Parents, bullying, ex-boyfriends, career, social media and insecurity.
When do we say “enough” when I mean haven’t we tormented ourselves enough. I wish that sometimes the best revenge was living well but let’s be honest we want our enemies to see us living well. I will admit that I’m trapped in the past. High school wasn’t normal for me, my mom was married to the most popular girl in school’s father and she hated me. I also ended up dating an abusive and possessive guy who to this day I feel has some sort of control.
I want me back. Or rather I want control to decide who I am now. There’s not really a time that I can remember that I didn’t have anxiety or considered myself strong so going back to who I was isn’t really an option. But a creation of someone new is. Middle School, High school and college are over. And I can be me, whoever I want to be. Badass, brave, funny, strong, creative, sweet. Anything. That’s the best part about a new day. You can be a new you whenever you want. You just have to be brave enough to want to.