Selfishness VS. Misery

Another personal post that I’m nervous about.

Does anyone else have a family member that you know you shouldn’t care about their opinions but you somehow feel hurt by what they say anyway?

My Dad can be like this. F***king confusing. I have tried so hard not to care. Not to let these things get to me but they do.

Yesterday, was my Uncles birthday and my sister and I were not invited to the dinner. I actually talked to my Dad yesterday and he said that they were going boating but wasn’t going to go himself, then I got a text from my Aunt a picture of all of them including my Dad out at dinner. No invite he even asked what I was doing Yesterday and I said nothing much and he still didn’t invite me or my sister to the birthday dinner.

I wouldn’t say my family is close but we get along. We do the traditional see each other for holidays and birthdays, so to be told about an event and being texted picture of them together and not be invited is hurtful.

Sometimes there a times I don’t understand my family. A few years ago my cousin got married and my mom, sister and myself were not invited to the wedding. Which is still hurtful to this day and it’s caused a rip between especially the cousins because we got along so well…or so I thought.

It’s so easy to feel unwanted. It’s so easy to fall into a pit of despair. It’s so easy to write things over and over in your head wondering why you weren’t invited, why your never included, did I do something wrong, did I say something I wasn’t supposed to?

You’re thoughts become swarmed with a hundred “what did I do?” scenarios. It’s never that there jerks for not including me. I always assume I did something wrong. I have played out that phone call from yesterday over and over and I can’t figure out why I wasn’t invited. I even spoke to my sister who was upset and we both felt they didn’t want us around.

But when is it time to just say one big “f**k you” and move on. I can’t beat myself up over something that makes no sense and for something I didn’t do. My family is a big cause of my anxiety, because my dad will do things like this. He’ll tell me he wants us to have a better relationship and spend more time together then not invite his daughters to a birthday dinner. My anxiety will go into overdrive and start wondering what I did wrong. When in fact it’s not me at all.

I can’t hate myself for something I didn’t do. But he’ll call again this week too many times even for a parent wondering if we want to get together. I haven’t been able to take my mind off of this, my appetite is low, I feel quiet, and unhappy and it’s not fair. Maybe sometimes it’s good to take step back from everyone and just protect yourself and your mental health.

Family doesn’t always mean safe, family doesn’t always mean comfort, family doesn’t always mean straightforward. But, that’s not your fault or mine. You can heal yourself and protect yourself from being hurt. I once had a therapist tell me that you can put up basically a mental fence or a barrier around yourself and you can decide who is not allowed too close to you. From a child to now I almost feel like these mind games forced me to grow up faster. At some point in my life I want to stand up to him. I’m not a child and these mind games and the way my anxiety is worse around him needs to stop. He has done this my whole life, made me doubt myself and made me feel unwanted at times.

I think it’s time to put up that barrier for a while to just focus on myself. I want to be strong and happy and sometimes you just can’t necessarily cut a parent from your life but you can control how you react and how close you let them to you. Sometimes it’s good to be selfish for your own happiness.

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