My first thought this morning was I should go to the gym, I need to check my social media and my email, I need to have a better sleep schedule, I need to do laundry today, maybe I should make a podcast, what should I do the podcast about.
It’s just been constant racing thoughts. I have had the hardest time relaxing and enjoying myself. Even things that I should do just for self care seem like their weighing me down. I played a new video game but felt more rushed through it then anything. Going to the gym feels more like I’m punishing myself for not looking how I want. I am being so hard on myself for eating a hot pocket last night.
I should try and relax but even then things turn into lists. My relaxation has a schedule. Write in journal, find a new game, go to gym, do a face mask. It feels like something I have to do before I can relax. Lately, I have just these constant racing thoughts from literally the second I wake up, to the moment I fall asleep. I keep thinking it shouldn’t be this hard. My muscles hurt everywhere even my jaw from clenching without realizing, I physically can’t relax.
I should take better care of myself, eat better, get better sleep, maybe start a journal. But, I’ve honestly made everything a job and I feel overwhelmed and I feel overwhelmed trying to not feel overwhelmed. There’s a picture of this person I want to be. This person is confident, happy, in a great relationship, loves photography and writing. This person is not out of reach but I feel like I lack the confidence and courage to try and be someone I want to be for fear of failure.
Anxiety, depression, isolation. They’ve been my home. I know these things. There more than just habits I can’t tell myself to stop having panic attacks. But, because their so familiar it’s hard to break free of them. My mind just feels like I should have smoke coming from my ears. I feel on red alert, ready to defend myself for no reason. I feel judged and constantly thinking about EVERYTHING. Anyway, I feel lost this week and I’m really not sure how to make things better.