Fear of The 5K

I’ve been scared of everything for years. My heart, my brain, my lungs, bleeding out internally. My sanity, my body weight, being judged. People not liking me. I think everything I do out. I will think and stress myself over some event that weeks or months away. I am not spontaneous or fun. I stopped dreaming for a very long time. I didn’t write. I didn’t sing because I was in a constant state of panic I couldn’t physically hold the notes. Everything was pressure.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to be perfect and usually for someone else. And usually someone I don’t even care about. The truth is, I’m terrified. Terrified to fail. Terrified my life will mean nothing. Terrified I will never have fun or be brave or take any chances. I live in a world of comparing myself or sizing myself up against every piece of beautiful that I don’t see myself as.

But yesterday, I did something that scared the sh*t out of me. I signed up for a 5k. It isn’t my first but I haven’t actually run a real 5k race since I was in 9th grade. It is Stomp The Stigma for Mental Health Awareness. I’m actually having anxiety about it, how ironic. But, I’m doing it so I’ll keep everyone up to date on my progress.

Life sometimes is fear, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still make brave choices. If you need me, I’ll be running and trying to make it look good. 💜

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