So another personal recovery post. This is a picture I took of myself a few years ago because I was actually trying to see if I had an iron deficiency and I was checking my eyes…anxiety was making me think everything was wrong and I was hunting for answers.
I was falling over every time I stood up. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I couldn’t be left alone. This picture as awful as I look, is really what depression and anxiety can do. I was convinced I was dying. I was actually at my boyfriends house and couldn’t drive myself home. At twenty three -years-old, my mom had to come pick me up. For weeks I basically stopped sleeping or eating and I was constantly panicking over everything. I would collapse on the ground if I was overly stressed. Basically, like a fainting goat. Now looking back at this picture I realize that it was ever really anything physical, I look exhausted. I look beaten down. I look like I’ve had enough. I went through hospital visits, doc in the box places, a 911 call and an ambulance ride…twice, and family doctors who gave me test after test and every single time, I was told anxiety and depression.
I couldn’t accept this.
There was no way that anxiety made me feel this awful. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t be left alone. I kept falling to the ground. Not even fainting just feeling faint and then I’d drop. I stopped running, I wouldn’t even walk to my mailbox without getting myself convinced I was going to collapse. Anxiety and depression are no joke. This is one picture I took when I was at an absolute low. I felt like the world had chewed me, spit me out, and was just waiting for me to kill my self. I was in a state of maybe I should just do it and also being terrified every time I had a panic attack and thought I’d die. I have had probably every single physical and mental symptom there is with anxiety and then some. I scoured the internet for answers as to why I was collapsing. Can anxiety cause this? What’s happening? Why don’t I recognize myself? What’s derealization? Will it go away?
If you happen to read this and you are going through the worse anxiety and depression of your life let me tell you, you will find strength again. I never in a million years thought I’d run or eat or sleep ever again. Life can chew you up and spit you out and you can find a way to be whole again. I’m not perfect. I still have panic attacks and bad days and work anxiety. But, at the end of the worst parts, I am stronger. My anxiety and depression consumed me and I survived it and so can you. If it helps the best advice I can give you is to just accept that what’s happening is anxiety. No matter how weird the symptoms. It’s anxiety and it really can’t hurt you it’s just scary as f**k. But, you will be okay again. I’m okay, I could be better but I’m okay. If you ever have questions just know that I’ve been through it and I’m here. I know that you might feel alone and when I was in the worst of it all I wanted was a friend. I know it’s probably cliche but you really are NOT alone.