When I Know I Need Space

1. My anxiety rises. I can physically feel my anxiety coursing through my veins. It’s like having this constant nervous butterflies that create knots throughout my entire body. I get anxious about medications, drinking alcohol, sleeping, and going out in public. Everything just hurts. Everything makes me want to cry. My muscles and throat tighten and I start to touch my face and hair frequently, I check my pulse frequently, and my hands tremble. I’m actually writing this thinking how bad my back hurts and how hard my whole body feels.

2. My patience wears thin with phone calls. Sometimes my Dad calls for basically pointless reasons several times a week. Sometimes I can deal with this and sometimes I feel like I’m ready to hang up as soon as I hear “Hey Kiddo” He does that really heavy way of asking how I’m doing where his voice gets lower and I know he’s asking about my anxiety but even if I said it’s awful, he’ll just call more frequently. So I put on the act of being absolutely okay.

3. I feel frustrated constantly. I can get very easily upset about the fact that it feels like I’m willing to do more for someone then they will for me. For instance, a few months ago I did a favor for a neighbor. The next few days later I texted this person asking if they could do something for me. I NEVER got a response. Now it just feels tense and weird when I bump into them. I get frustrated with bad drivers. I actually flipped a guy off who was literally hanging out the passengers side of his best friends ride trying to holler at me. When I get to this level of frustration I know I need a break. I feel overwhelmed with family, occasionally my sister won’t text back, or my Dad bombards me with phone calls.

4. I get obsessed with the past and social media. I will spend an embarrassingly amount of time on Facebook and Instagram just making myself upset about how everyone else’s life turned out. So and so had a baby, this person’s engaged, what a nice trip that looks like, I wish my body looked like that. I also get angry at exes I haven’t spoken to in years or friends that didn’t work out.

5. I will feel absolutely exhausted. The concept of running, moving, speaking, or anything other than eating and sitting just seem awful. I will crawl in to my hoodie and socks and just never want to leave.

6. I realize and still don’t want to admit that the depression is catching up with me. I will realize that I feel almost slimy and broken on the inside. I won’t want to do anything but eat, sleep, and be angry. (Small joke there, I’m sad but I’m still funny, like eat, drink, and be merry? You get it.)

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