Mrs. Robot

Writing is my life boat. In a world of depression and severe anxiety, working in a job I know I could never be extroverted enough for. Sometimes it feels like drowning. Waking up every day knowing I am not doing something that makes me happy. Writing, it breaks this cycle and gives me the space I need to feel like me again. Its this small piece of me I hold on to, because I know its who I am. In a perfect world, I would be a part-time or full-time blogger. Depression feels like a sinking ship with no life boats and no one to send your SOS to. But, sometimes you put your thoughts out there, thinking no one is going to notice this, no one is even going to read it. But, there it was again. That feeling of knowing I am not alone. I think you should know that I struggled to open my lap top today.

My thoughts don’t seem to come as natural as before. I am figuring things out I can tell you that much. I know I have depression and anxiety, actually pretty severely.  I am terrified of everything and my anxiety can give me the weirdest physical symptoms. My anxiety can make me feel robotic, I cannot live without a job, I cannot function or seem normal without mechanically filling the part. I have taken something that fell into my lap, and now I am basically making it work…barely. I shake when I leave the house, my body frequently feels like it might fall over when I stand up, and I have lots of difficulty sleeping. I have not been running, I have not been sleeping, I doubt I eat well, but I grit my teeth and smile at work just to look “normal”. There’s a turn around coming. Because, eventually something inside me will break and I won’t be able to just function for  a paycheck.

That’s not all I am. I am more than a job, or a pay check, I have dreams to be a full-time blogger, to travel, to smile, to breathe without feeling like I might burst into tears if I take a big enough breath. I know that I am not this robotic, smiling, numbing, angry being. I want to smile and feel light in my eyes. To stand up for myself and not be afraid of the words f%@k off, because let’s face it, sometimes their needed. I have depression. I have anxiety. I have dreams. I have faith. Today I am a mess. Tomorrow a warrior.

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