To be able to wake up, shower, get mostly nice, and dragging myself into work every day takes a lot of strength when you have depression. Right now, this is not my best but it’s all I have. I should be running, I should be being a better communicator in my relationship, I should be dieting, I should be setting new goals and turning over this new leaf but right now, I can’t. Depression is a mental wall that makes you feel like you can not do anything. Get out of bed, shower, brush your hair. The idea of doing something like getting up and running or showering feels draining. Like I would pass out if I tried.
You know, there’s this person I want to be. This woman that I envision when I think of myself as happy. I exercise 3 or 4 times a week, eat healthy, sleep great, have a healthy and communicative relationship, and I have a work from home job to help limit my anxiety. See? Not exactly out of this world. I could accomplish this. I just feel drained…constantly. Thanks to depression. Writing, running, gaming, singing, laughing. Are things I don’t do because I feel terrified I’ll disappoint myself. There’s nothing I want that’s out of reach, but when depression strikes, it won’t matter if you’re trying to go for a light jog, make a healthy salad, or just run a comb through your hair, it feels impossible.